Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
