Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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