How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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