Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
