I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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