Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
