I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
