I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize