i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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