So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
