btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
