you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
