You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
