The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize