I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I love you. Go after that dick
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
