New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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