1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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