he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
