If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
