How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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