Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
