At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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