my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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