she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
