The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
