Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
