i think i have herpe
just one?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
