Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
