I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
