I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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