and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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