Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
