cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
sarcasm needs its own font
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize