My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
