Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
