i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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