am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
