I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
