In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
