put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
They took my balls.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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