The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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