Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
