If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
