They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
