Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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