Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
