I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
