i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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