Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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