I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
