there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
