I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
