I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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