Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
