my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
