Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
