Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
