You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
