as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
