My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
